What am I raising?

This past year of parenting has been one that I've spent alot of time pondering and praying what exactly I am supposed to be doing. My oldest is 10, with the two middle girls at 7 and 5, and my babe turned toddler will be 2 in May.

I've found myself often saying that I feel like I have one foot in every stage, except the baby stage.
(and I am entirely alright with that, by the way. :).

I've also said how I feel like poor Maeve has inherited a much crazier, much more impatient, and intense mommy then her older siblings had.

And she has.  And I am.  

But, she's also inherited a mom who is fully aware that I do not have all the answers.  And that's ok.  A mom who makes mistakes every day with my kids.  And I am ok with that.  

For a long time, I think I was more focused on being the perfect mom (in their eyes) than I was just being.  Living life in front of and with my family...with all the ups, downs and complete face plants each day brings.  

I am more comfortable being who I really am in front of my children.  Even more, I am quite convinced that it is imperative that they see as many shades of who I am...and who I am not...as possible.   For in those shades, I am convinced they can see God's amazing grace and love in my life.  

But, what's been on my mind lately, has been my posture towards my kids and how that grows and changes as they get older.  I said to my hubby this spring, when our oldest was 9, that I felt like I had to change my mental posture towards him.  

You see, the first 9 years have been spent protecting him, guarding his heart, and being the primary influence in his life.  And while there is still lots to protect him from, and lots of influence left to be had, I began to feel this intense need to change my parenting with him.  I had this new mental image.  

It was no longer him walking towards me, with my arms were extended around him, keeping as much out as I could.  But rather, it was him walking away from me (slowly!), my arms still extended around him, but with each step, he stepped further and further away from the protection my arms could offer.

Ya.  Kinda sad.

Except...I don't believe that he is and has been doing this thing, called his life, alone.  I know that he has a relationship with God and that it is necessary over the next few years, for that relationship to become the primary relationship in his life.  

Yes, I am and always will be my sweet boy's mama.  There to love, influence, and protect for the rest of his life.  But I am not, and was not designed to be his sole, primary relationship.  And there is a huge peace in that. 

So all this realization has led me to change another aspect of my parenting with all my kids.  And that's what I protect them from.  I never would have viewed myself as an overprotective parent, but probably more of one that was on the offensive.  

An example of this is a simple one.  Let's say, I made plans with one of my friends for their family to come over on a Friday night.  I know my kids will be stoked, but I don't tell them about it, until about an hour or two before they are due to arrive.  Why?  Partially for me, to minimize the amount of stress and questions that will excitedly arise.  But partially for them.  Because I know that life happens and that there is a chance plans will change and they will be disappointed.

But, over the past few months, I've been changing.  I actually find myself kinda glad when something disappointing happens in their life.  (sounds horrible, when written down like that!).  But, seriously, I find myself viewing those small disappointments as opportunities for growth in their life.  Opportunities that force them to that uncomfortable, hard place.  That place where not even mom can comfort them fully.  

The place where they are forced to go to God for comfort, reassurance and answers to their questions. 

Takes the pressure of this humbled mama, and puts it squarely on the shoulders of The One who can handle it.